Lost and Found
by KiloAlphaTango
Summary: Jac, Jonny and Mo fic.
1. Chapter 1

**This is an (I think) 3 parter of which 2.5 parts are already written so hopefully I won't end up abandoning it. I hope that it is ok :) and I am always grateful to people who read - and for any reviews left. **

She closed her eyes and rested a hand against her abdomen, wondering how something so very small could sap her energy so efficiently. She couldn't remember a time when she had felt so utterly exhausted. Today had seemed like a never-ending battle; a list of patients which appeared to grow longer each time she returned to the ward, her seeming inability to keep even the most meagre amounts of food in her stomach and the near constant pestering of Maureen Effanga had all added to her already dangerously high stress levels.

She knew she should be grateful; in some ways she was. She had something that many women longed for; indeed it was something that she had felt a pang for when the invisible door of motherhood had slammed shut in her face. But, she didn't want motherhood like this. She wasn't sure she was cut out to be a single mother. She didn't really have anyone she could model in that area, nor did she know if she could learn the skills on her own. She knew the basic stuff; it wasn't that she wouldn't be able to physically care for the child. That wasn't the bit that bothered her; the nappy changes and the night feeds. It was the emotional side. The being able to show the child love, unconditionally. She knew what it was to be a child emotionally neglected and she wouldn't wish that on the unborn life in her womb.

But maybe she could love. She had loved in the past, or what she had felt what she thought was love. So perhaps she was capable of it; though it had never lasted. It had never lasted for long and therein lied the problem. This child would be with her for a lifetime, and it would require love for its lifetime – and for her love was a fleeting emotion.

Though, it was fleeting because people left; the child would not leave her. The child would stay with her and so perhaps the love would stay do. It would not leave them, and she could sustain it for a lifetime.

Then again, wasn't it her own fault that people left? She pushed them away, stopped them getting closer, and prevented them from uncovering the darkness of her soul. The closer they came, the closer they came to discovering her weaknesses and vulnerabilities and these were not things she wanted on show. Already the child was trying to force these to the surface, forcing tears to her eyes when no tears should be shed. Tears were not to be shed in public, where they could be seen. Her tears were her own and they were private.

She had pushed Jonny. He had come close. The barriers have started to crumble, the façade slipping away in the safety of his arms. She had wondered, if they had a chance. If there was potential for a future together. She had wanted it. For the briefest of time she had wanted that future; to have him for a lifetime.

It wasn't to be. She had protected herself by pushing him away, protected herself from his rejection. The rejection that would have come when he found out about her condition, the one that had slammed closed the potential for a family. She had pushed him away, to protect herself; only she had ended up hurt. The game that should have hurt only him, hurt her as well. It had shattered them both and now they skirted around each other; not quite civil and with the hint of longing.

But he had given her something. In a moment of shared weakness – his mistake he said – he had helped her to create the child nestled within. He didn't know it existed. She knew he would have too, that he deserved to hear it from her and not through the gossiping of colleagues or from noticing the way her abdomen bulged and became rounded. If she allowed it to get that far.

She was so very tired, and her head just seemed to run away with. No matter how exhausted she was, she just couldn't seem to switch off from her thoughts and the way they raced around her head. She needed to sleep, to turn them off just for a short time. To be left alone, to become strong again. Strong enough to make the decisions she needed to make, to be able to tell him either way.

She needed time.

"Jac" It was Mo's voice and Jac's eyes snapped open. The registrar had walked in without invitation. Her face was strained, a sheen of tears in her eyes.

"No more lecturers Mo" Jac spoke wearily, she was not in the mood for this. Mo blinked, trying to clear her bleary eyes and wanting to seem in control. She wasn't sure what to expect from this, and that scared her.

"It's not that" Mo's voice was strained and Jac straightened herself up in her chair and ran a hand through her hair. Aware of the other woman's presence, the hand that had been resting on her abdomen slipped down on to her lap.

"Because I'm not in the mood to discuss Jonny Maconie" it was a statement and it dared Mo to defy it. She didn't feel up to having another conversation about the Scottish nurse; having to pretend that she didn't care about him even though she knew Mo knew differently. It was hard to keep up the pretence with his child playing havoc with her emotions.

"It is about Jonny" Mo answered, her voice close to cracking as she spoke her best friend's name. This was the conversation you never wanted to have, involving words that you never wanted to say.

"What's he done now" Jac sounded exasperated, but she failed to disguise the interest in her voice. And Mo clenched her fist, feeling the cracks start to form. She was splintering apart in front of the consultant but she couldn't afford to, not yet.

"He's in A&E" Mo said the words so softly, not wanting them to be true. She could have let someone else to do this, to have this conversation. She could have gone to him, been there with him but instead she had said she would be the one to tell Jac. She had taken the responsibility. She felt she owed it to her, to him; knowing the secret as she did.

"He's moving department?" the consultant sounded confused, as if he mind couldn't quite understand the gravity of the situation. Jac's mind didn't seem to be able to focus correctly, nor could she understand why Mo seemed so emotional; particularly when it was she who had the additional hormones coursing through her veins. Then again Jac never did understand the relationship between Mo and Jonny and perhaps him moving away from her truly was this devastating. But in her muddled mind, Jac thought it could make things easier for her. Perhaps the pain would lessen if she didn't have to see him daily. To feel the longing for him but to pretend otherwise while her body reacted to her presence.

"Oh Jac" Mo whispered, the confusion in her normally so together colleagues eyes was a sight to behold and it tore at her a little. To know of the inner turmoil in her mind, that she had been trying so hard to keep hidden. She knew that she had caught her in a weakened moment, the stresses of the day having worn her down until she was left as she was now, though she had chosen to hide herself away rather than be seen by prying eyes. Mo knew that willingly Jac would not allow herself to be seen this way, but that behind closed doors this was probably the reality that showed as the façade fell away. "He's not moving department"

"Then what?" Jac questioned, her mind still racing but unable to settle on anything that made sense. There was no reason for Jonny to be in A he wasn't working that shift she knew that because he hadn't been present on the ward. Perhaps he was doing a bank shift down there, working to earn extra money. Perhaps Mo was telling her, so that she'd know where to find him; to tell him. Even though Mo knew she wasn't ready yet, that she needed more time.

"He's been in an accident" finally Mo responded, her voice cracking as she thought of her friend. Of the blue lighted ambulance that would have transported him here and the colleagues who would have worked on him; trying to help him, to fix him.

"But he's ok?" Jac's voice was quiet, the reality slowly sinking in that Jonny was not here working, that instead he was a patient lying on a gurney or a bed, with machines bleeping and flashing around him. She could imagine him, he would be insisting that he was fine and trying to take over. He would be showing off his knowledge; gained from being taken under the wing of the registrar. He would be running the show from his bed.

"No Jac" Mo felt the tears running down her cheeks now as she thought of her friend, "He's in a critical condition" she thought of him lying down there alone. As people buzzed around him, trying to fix him. She needed to be with him. She wanted to be with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**hopefully this is ok (and I'm not sure why I'm posting in such quick succession). This part originally had a much more definitive ending but now it doesn't. **

Jac froze. Numbness taking over her, Jonny wasn't fine. He wasn't bossing them around and running the show; he wasn't their joking about what an idiot he had been to land himself in the emergency department. He was critical. Her Jonny was lying in a critical condition – only he wasn't hers anymore. He hadn't been hers for weeks but the ache in her heart tried to convince her of something different. He was her child's father, and she loved him. That was the reality, she loved him.

"I have to go be with him" Mo told her colleague, dreading the moment she would have to set foot in the other department, each step bringing her closer to the moment when she would see him for the first time, to when she would have to sit with him and hold his hand. She would sit there, and talk to him and she would hope. She would pray for the outcome she wanted.

"Can I" Jac trailed off, feeling the lump growing in her throat. How long had she spent trying to avoid him and the forced civility that they demonstrated in the professional environment? The days when it had felt so awkward and unnatural, when she had wished that she could tell him the truth – to try to fix what had broken between them. But she couldn't do that. It wasn't in her nature, and so she had waited hoping that he would do it for her. But she had hurt him, as he had hurt her.

"We'll go together" Mo whispered. A part of her was almost glad to have Jac go with her, she knew that numerous colleagues would have offered but it was Jac who deserved to be by her side. It killed Mo to think it but there was a part of her that needed Jac to tell him now, so that he would know before. But she didn't want to think of that scenario, she couldn't allow herself to. It was the part of her that wanted to break, that didn't want Jac by her side. Having Jac by her side meant she had to be strong.

Jac stood slowly, pulling on her Holby hoodie and swaying slightly as she, for a moment, lost her balance. In silence the two women left the office. They walked side by side in to the too quiet ward. No bells rang out alerting them to a patients needs and there was no quick scuttle of feet as people moved about the ward. Instead it was eerie. The unnatural stillness, the quiet air. It had been like this before, recently in the wake of Tara's passing. It had been the same, the world muted and still as if the passing of the life had stolen – albeit briefly – the life of the ward. The two women tried to push the thoughts from their minds as they made their way to stairs, preparing to make the journey to the A&E department.

They didn't need words as they walked, there were no words to be said. They were both wrapped up in their own thoughts, their own fears.

For Mo, Jonny had been her companion for so many years. He had barely been qualified when she had met him, and he had been a different man to the one she knew today. He had been quieter and more subdued though he had possessed a temper and a quick to rise frustration when he found himself unable to do something. She had loved him instantly, though never in a romantic way. He had been like the puppy dog she had craved as a child, someone loyal and loving. And they had grown together. Their professional relationship flourishing alongside their personal. She had nurtured him, taught him things and watched as he developed; as he grew as a person. They had moved around together. They were each-others constant in an ever moving world. The thought of losing him scared her beyond belief. She had, had him close by for so long that she could barely contemplate a reality where that wasn't the case. It was true they both had relationships apart from the other, they could go days and days without talking but they knew, that the other was close at hand if ever they were needed. There was the reassurance that he was close by, and that he would know without words what was wrong and what she needed. And he knew the same was true of her. They knew each-others secrets and fears. And she knew she would never have another relationship like the one she had with him, that she wouldn't want it. She needed him; her dear sweet Jonny Mac.

For Jac, it was different. Jonny had only been in her life a short time, of which they had been off and on so much that sometimes she had struggled to understand the state of her relationship, but she had known there was something there, something special. It was something she hadn't felt in a relationship for a long time. She had told him, that she loved him. She had found those words on her tongue and she hadn't swallowed them back, leaving them unspoken. She had allowed him to hear them, to know the way she felt. She wasn't sure he had known just what a step that had been for her. Yes he had been forced to endure the hiding of a relationship but she didn't know if he knew the full extent of the damage to her heart and how an admission of love was something that scared her. She wondered if he still knew, if he still believed in the way she felt. After she had pushed him, hurt him, tried to destroy him she wondered if he could. She wanted him to know, it was a reality that struck her hard. She needed him to know now. The words were there, so close. The words she could have told him so many times. She could have talked to him on the ward, told him the truth. Of why she acted as she had, that it was fear and hurt. That it was no real excuse but that it was her reason. She could have let him see in to her soul, shown him that she had a heart; to know why she acted as she did. He had told her once that he would find her and now she felt it in her chest, racing with fear; fear for him.

Jac felt herself freeze as they came to the doorway leading in to A&E. She didn't want to do this, her feet seemed incapable of moving her forward. Moving forward meant seeing him, it meant this was reality. Right now she could play pretend, she could try to push it from her thoughts and disappear back upstairs to her hiding place. She could have slipped silently, in to their place. She could have sat there, waiting for him to come to her as he had done so many times before. But she had to face reality, that he wouldn't come to find her, that he was lying waiting. Waiting for her, though he wasn't. He was probably waiting for Mo, for the person who cared about him, and who he cared about. The one who didn't hurt him and leave him wounded, who didn't push him away when she needed him.

She felt an arm snake around her waist, a support, a guide. She felt a gently pressure pushing her onwards, forcing her feet to move though it felt as if each step was pulling her deeper in to quicksand. Each one was harder than the last. She had to make an effort for every single step she took, with energy that she didn't possess. She was still so very tired, her body aching with exhausting. She felt as if she had nothing left to give and yet she kept moving, guided by the woman by her side.

They moved in synch, through the less familiar department filled with faces that they both recognised but whose names they couldn't quite place. Mo knew where she was going, she had been told and she didn't trust herself to speak. She was grateful that no patients had approached them, mistaking them for doctors who worked here rather than doctors who were here to sit with their friend.

But then she knew that they must both look a mess, though she hadn't stolen a glance at Jac since they had left the office together. She couldn't look in to the other woman's face yet, knowing that it could cause her heart to splinter even more than it already had. She knew her own face was streaked with tears, that there couldn't be many tears left in her body though she could feel her eyes filling once more.

They came to a halt outside of the door and slowly Mo pushed her way inside, trying to prepare herself for the sight that would greet her but knowing that it wasn't possible. She stepped inside, pulling Jac with her though she could feel the other woman's reluctance; the way she tried to avoid moving with her colleague.

They moved closer to him. Each footstep was pained, each one felt like climbing a mountain with the air growing harder to breath. There was little air in the room, it was still save for the bleeping of machines. They came to his side. He looked peaceful, though Jac had felt the room spin at the sight of his facial injuries which were only slightly concealed by the oxygen mask that was placed over his face. She'd had to turn away from him, for a second. Her gaze moving to the machine by his side, she read the numbers and tried to process them. She tried to put on her clinical head, but she couldn't be clinical. This was Jonny, her Jonny and those numbers scared her.

"Hey Jonny Mac" Mo had whispered, leaning in close to her friend, trying to keep the shaking from her voice. She had expected worse, she had expected him ventilated. She had expected him to already be gone. But he was still here as evidence by the machines bleeps and whirrs though she didn't dare look at the numbers. Instead she looked at his peaceful face and tried to see passed his injuries, to see Jonny. She watched as his eyes flickered, as he blinked before he settled on her face.

"Mo" he sounded hoarse as he tried to say her name. It pained him to talk though he was grateful that for now at least he was able to. He tried to move his hand, wanting her take it, to hold it. He wanted to feel her and to know that she was real. He had imagined her here earlier. He'd seen Jac too. He'd imagined her presence, felt her in to the room with him, watching over him. The two of them had floated over his body like angels, and he had felt comforted. But he knew Jac wouldn't have come, that was his mind but he had Mo. His friend.

"Don't try to talk" She murmured, taking hold of his hand and squeezing it gently. He felt cold, though she could see they had covered him, they had taken care of him as she would have. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to push back the tears. She didn't want him to see her emotional. She didn't want him to be worrying about her, when now was her turn to worry.

"You silly boy" she scolded him gently, as she had done so many times before for the small idiotic things he did. Little things, insignificant things compared to this but she wanted to lighten the situation, to make it how it always had been between them. She heard a strangled sob behind her, though she resisted the urge to turn. She needed, for the moment to concentrate on Jonny while Jac she knew loitered somewhere behind. Not quite ready.

"Sorry" he rasped, hoping she would hear him through the plastic mask. He watched as a tear slipped down her cheek and how she used her free hand to quickly swipe it away. He wished he could have done it for her, but he had no strength to. Even just breathing was an effort now.

"Oh Jonny" Mo rubbed the skin of his hand between her fingers, thinking of the times they had spent together, the friendship they had shared. So many things had brought them to this moment, and she gave him a small smile, "You don't need to apologise to me" she told him.

"Sorry" he rasped again and forced a smile on to his lips, a strangled attempt at a joke and she forced herself to laugh for his beneath. A strangled, hollow effort that fell flat. It felt so wrong, being here like this. She twisted a little still holding his hand, to look at her colleague. She was paler than normal and shaking.

"I brought someone to see you Jonny Mac" Mo beckoned towards her colleague, watching as she shook her head, fearing having to see the man again.

"Who?" the voice was weak but curious and Jac frowned, she was being forced in to this but she couldn't let him down, now that he knew there was someone else present. She stepped closer, one foot in front the other; that was what she repeated to herself as if somehow she had forgotten what she needed to do in order to walk. She came to a stop by Mo's side and she looked down at him, watched as his eyes moved from his friends face to hers and as he blinked in confusion.

"Jac?" he said it quietly, his voice rising in a question and she felt it break her heart a little, how he didn't seem to be able to believe she was here; yet something in that told her that he wanted it to be her. That he wanted her here.

"It's me" she spoke so quietly, feeling the tears slipping down her cheeks. He had never seen her cry before and he hated that he had caused her tears. He had never seen her crack with emotion, that left her shaking as she was now. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, to hold her and to stem the flow of her tears; to let her know that it was all going to be alright.

"Sorry" words were hard and that was the only one that would slip from his lips. He wondered if she knew how much he was sorry; for words he'd spoken and one's he hadn't, for causing her pain and for letting her hurt longer than he should. He had pretended not to care, pretended he wasn't bothered by her.

"I'm sorry" she answered him, a genuine apology and one that caused more tears to rush in to her eyes. She didn't apologise, it wasn't in her nature. But she owed it to him, she needed him to hear it. She needed him to know because, as she know realised, sometimes you only had one chance to say it. Sometimes it was your only chance and you didn't know it and would let it slip away – and she couldn't let that happen. She had let it happen to many times before.

"Idiots" and she knew he meant them both. It was a fair assessment of the way they had acted, of the hurt they had caused each other. They had been so stupid and blind to what the other was feeling. She closed her eyes for a second and placed her hand on his, Mo relinquishing her hold seconds before.

"I need to tell you something" she stepped closer to the bed, looking at him, trying to see past the injuries in order to see her Jonny. The man she loved. She took his hand in his and lifted it gently, fearing that she would hurt him. She watched his face for any sign of pain as she moved his hand down on to her abdomen, holding it against the spot where she had rested her own hand earlier. "We made a baby Jonny"

"baby?" he sounded confused, and vulnerable and she looked down at where she had rested her hand and smiled. This baby was half of him. Nurse DNA she had said, she wouldn't want a child with that. But it wasn't just nurse DNA. It was Jonny DNA. Funny, lovable, expressive, mischievous Jonny.

"Our baby" she told him and she placed her hand on top of his, before she looked at him. She thought she could see tears in his eyes.

"Jonny?" Mo sounded concerned but Jac couldn't quite understand why. Everything to her, seemed good. She had told him and he seemed happy. He looked like he had a smile on his face. She had wanted him to have a good reaction, she had feared it being bad.

"Love you" he managed to choke the words out beneath his mask. She had heard him say it jokingly before, shouted out of a car window when she'd told him he had to wait to put people of the scent, she'd heard him whisper it in the darkness of night in to her ear. But she had never heard him say it like that. Words so loaded, that they pierced her. Her eyes had blurred with tears.

"I love you too" she whispered in response to him, not noticing the way his eyes had closed or that the sound of the monitors had changed. All she was aware of was their hands clasped over her belly and the sound of his love you ringing in her ears. It was only when she felt someone's arms pulling her away from the bed that she panicked. That she realised that the room had filled with other doctors and nurses.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to anyone reading / reviewing this. I should probably say I am also ChasingRainbows90 on here but due to some odd issue with my password yesterday and not being able to reset it due to an outlook failure - I've ended up on my old account. Hopefully this is ok - and there is one part after this (and I will be returning to my other account now those issues have been fixed)**

They were taken in to a relatives room, by person that neither Mo nor Jac recognised although through the veil of tears in both of their eyes it could very well have actually been someone they knew. The person had told them that they would return with news; that they should wait there. But the two women were sure they already knew. They were certain that someone else would return to them, someone with a bowed head and words of regret for the life that they had lost. It was a position they had both been in, the person giving the news that the relatives, the friends dreaded to hear. But now they were on the other side, they were the ones watching and waiting; convinced that they already knew the outcome but dreading hearing the words spoken aloud.

The sound of the monitor was echoing in Mo's ears, the moment it had change she had felt her heart sink in her chest and a chill sweeping over her. Her legs had turned to jelly and thinking back she was sure how she had continued to hold herself upright; or how she had found the strength to pull the consultant away from his body. She had seen, before her eyes had blurred so completely, how his arm had dropped lifeless away the moment she had released it, from where she had held it over the place where their baby grew.

She wanted to escape the sound that was ringing in her ears, to block it out from her mind. It shouldn't be happening like this. It shouldn't have been this way. He was going to be a daddy. He was going to have the family he had craved for so long; a family who he could love and cherish and who would make him feel like he had come home. He was going to grow up and prove himself though he would retain his cheek and his sense of fun. He would pick toys out for his child based on whether he wanted to play with them; the louder, the brighter, the flasher the better. If the toy was designed to annoy, it would be the one he chose and he would play with it long after the child had lost interest. He would watch his child grow up. He would wipe away a tear as the child wore its first school uniform and he would beam with pride as they performed in school plays or raced on sports days. He wouldn't care the result, he would be proud whatever. He would be proud of every milestone, no matter how small it seemed. He would love the child more with every breath it took and he would protect it with every ounce of strength he possessed and would somehow summon more if it was required – even when it seemed every store he had was depleted. He would take pride in the title of Daddy, though he would feel it was his life's work to live up to it. It was the future he deserved. The one she longed for him to have, and now just as it came to be, he was lost. He had, had it for just a moment, the hope of that future coming to pass. He had held it in his mind in those last few seconds, and for that she was thankful.

"Mo" Jac's voice was small and distance but Mo could make out the concern in her tone. Jac Naylor was showing concern for her; the inferior one. But the sound of her colleague's voice was enough to draw her out of her mind and away from the screaming of the machine. She was aware now of the shaking of her head, the sobs that tore free from her lips. She hadn't been aware of it at all.

"This isn't right" Mo whispered, between her sobs. It was an understatement, one of the biggest she had ever made but her brain seemed incapable of finding the right words; there were no right words for this. This was Jonny. Her boy. Her man-child. This shouldn't have been his time. This was his time to start building his new life with the flame haired consultant and their child. He had a relationship to cultivate and a love to cherish. They had finally come to their senses yet it had taken this.

"We should tell his family; they need to be here" Jac tried to sound calm and practical but the shake to her voice gave away her emotion. Mo turned to face her, the woman was pale and shaking. Her cheeks streaked with the tears which fell silently from her eyes.

"We are his family" Mo answered, feeling the tugging at her heart as she did so. She knew he had relatives, siblings scattered around, aunties and uncles and somewhere out there his parents existed but they weren't his family. They were people to whom he shared DNA and perhaps if he was lucky a Christmas or birthday card when those times rolled around. For so long now, she had been his family and he had been hers. And now Jac, and the baby, were a part of that.

"but" Jac tried to protest but she thought of her own life; of the people who would be called if it had been her lying there. Her mother was out there; a half-sister too but they wouldn't be needed at her bedside. She doubted they would come, that they would be able to shed a tear for her. If it had been her, today, she would have had no-one. Perhaps Sacha would have come though she wouldn't have wanted him to leave his baby girl – his true family, or maybe even Elliot would have come to her side having been pulled away from his doughnuts for a moment. Jonny wouldn't have been there, unless Mo told him of the child. Maybe Mo would have come to chastise her one last time for not telling him. She would have been alone, save for the child. She was alone, save for the child and the registrar who was temporarily by her side.

"How am I meant to do this without him?" she whispered. She wasn't quite sure that she was talking to Mo, or whether she had just verbalised her thoughts by accident. The words had been swirling around her head from the moment she had been dragged from the room, the moment she had realised that being a single mother might not have been by her choice or his action but because he had cruelly been taken from her. The words seemed to be pressing on her more heavily now as she contemplated those around her; as she thought of what she had lost after only moments; of how lost she felt.

"You mean you're?" Mo didn't complete the sentence though she felt her heart leap a little in her chest at the idea of it. That there would still be a little piece of her Jonny in the world, she hoped that she would be able to watch the child grow up; to be able to see aspects of his or her father in the youngster and to know that a part of him was still alive and thriving. She saw this child already as part of her family, the family she had built with him though she knew she would be an outsider in their little threesome; only now it would be a twosome and she wasn't sure she would be welcome there.

"I can't lose them both" Jac spoke so softly, resting her hand where only a short time ago Jonny's had been. The moment he had connected with their child, had learned of its existence. It made it seem more real that in eight months she would be a mother, and in her arms she would hold his baby. "How am I going to do this without him?"

"You've changed your tune" she had spent so long trying to convince Jac that he needed to know, but she had been so fiercely determined that now wasn't the time to tell him. Mo had wondered if she ever would, she had images of herself letting it slip by 'accident' just so that he would be in the picture. It scared her that it had taken the threat on his life to make her tell.

"I was scared" the words so quiet, an admission of something she so rarely admitted. The showing her vulnerability, to someone who she normally only wanted to present an image of superiority. But even the admission was a lie. She had used to past tense, making it seem that the fear had passed. Only now it was more pressing and urgent; the fear that doing this without him was no longer a choice but a necessity.

"It's ok to be" she had seen through it, had known that the fear was still very much real and present. She needed him, more than she had wanted to see and now that need was pounding at her and tormenting her. She was so used to being alone, to being independent in everything she did that it would have seemed easy to face this alone, to push away the want – and the need – for his support and love. Only then it had been an option. She could have tested the waters, she could have taken the chance but pulled away later. Now he had been ripped from her, and she had realised too late; that sometimes needing someone wasn't admitting defeat.

"What if I can't do it; can't love it?" she was pressing her hand against her abdomen. If she had had him around she wouldn't have to worry, he would have been able to love the baby; he would have made sure that it had enough love. And she would have watched them, envious of it. But maybe they could have taught her, the man and the baby. They would have shown her love, given her love and in turn she could have learned from them. But now she would have learn for herself, to risk finding out she couldn't do it; that she was her mother's daughter.

"You will" was the response, spoken with confidence but behind the words there was a fear. That she would go in to panic mode again, that she would hit out and do something that she would regret. That she would somehow rationalise it, even though the rationale was illogical. "and maybe I can help you?" the sentence rose in to a question, almost a plea. Losing Jonny meant she lost so much more. She had lost so much, and she had so little. There was still the ache left by William, the empty space beneath her heart where he had grown. She missed his presence there. And now her Jonny. He owned so much of her heart. It was a strange love between them, not romantic but it was special and the thought of losing it, was almost more than she could bear.

"Why?" There was confusion and disbelief in her tone, that there was an offer of help, that someone would want to help her even after the way she had acted, the way she was. It was an offer she would normal scoff at, and reject. She would use it against the other person, pull rank against them. It was strange to hear it; it sounded almost caring towards her. Perhaps everything Mo had been doing, the pestering hadn't only been for Jonny, perhaps it had been for her too. Maybe the registrar was sharper than she had given her credit though, though she would be loathed to admit it to her. Mo heard the consultant's question differently, she heard it in Jac's normal tones. The harsher voice, disbelief that someone inferior would offer her help; would think she'd accept it from a lesser being. She had thought that perhaps things had changed between them, that the balance had shifted a little. She averted her eyes from the consultant.

"I thought maybe I owed you" she answered, knowing it wasn't quite the truth. She did owe Jac a little, Jac had been there for her during her own labour. But that wasn't the reality, the true reason. But she feared now, if she spoke that she would meet the wrath of Naylor, that the consultant had hardened herself again. The consultant blinked a little unsure.

"Oh" a soft sound, filled with hurt that perhaps she had misread. That she had allowed herself to see something that wasn't there, to imagine that someone would care for her. That someone would want to help her.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without him" it was taking over her again, the ringing of the machines and the stark reality that this was it. That she had lost her best friend. That the team that they headed up together was broken, and that soon someone would come in and take his place. Some stranger who she'd have to work alongside and have to build a relationship with; all the while wishing he was a skinny Scottish nurse with twinkling eyes.

"Oh Mo" the words were soft, and Jac felt awkward. She wasn't the person to do the comforting, nor was she one to receive it. The last time she had sought comfort it had led to a bedroom and the conception of the child. But they both needed it now; two women mourning a man who they had both loved so completely and yet in such different ways.

"I've had him for so long, that I don't quite know how to function without him" They had had times apart, times when they hadn't spoken so often but even then they had never truly been separate. They were like two halves of a whole and yet separate. The parts of their mind joined that they so often didn't need words. They worked in synched; an easy harmony. She was not scared to share him with other women; for she knew that he would never truly leave her; that parts of them would remain joined. But now the separation was too great and too permanent, and she wasn't sure she could feel him anymore. Those parts of her that were tied to him, had fallen quiet.

"Maybe I can" Jac paused unsure, the words alien and foreign but they rested on her tongue waiting "help you?" she finished, a question forming. Mo turned to look at her, an eyebrow arched in confusion. She didn't understand. Jac didn't help people, not unless she would gain from it and yet there seemed to be something genuine beneath the confusion and the unnaturalness of the consultant's words.

"I don't understand Jac"

"We can help each other or something" was the answer that came softly and uncertainly "I'm not good at the touchy feely crap; it's not me. But I love him and for some reason he loved me and we made a baby – and he loved you too like some weird separated conjoined twin and I think he'd want this baby to have it's Auntie Mo or godmother or whatever; and maybe I can give you less of a hard time in return while you do all that grieving stuff" she spoke in a rush, words tumbling from her mouth so quickly that she wasn't totally sure that they would make sense.

"Auntie Mo?" she questioned, the tiniest hint of a smile of her lips as more tears ran down her cheeks. This was her Jonny's baby and she was going to have a role in its life. She would have even the smallest part of him, and she would love that child for him. She would buy it those noisy toys that she knew he would love, and that would annoy Jac – and she would tell her that she had done it in Jonny's memory.

"Well it's what he would have wanted" Jac whispered "and I suppose you aren't that terrible of a choice – you have been looking out for me as well; even if you can be a pain" she added with a hint of a smile. Mo placed a shaking hand on Jac's and waited expecting her to pull away, and feeling amazed when she didn't.

"You're gonna be a good mum you know that?" It was posed as a question but in reality it wasn't, it was a stated fact. Mo had seen it, the tiniest hints of affection for an as yet non-existent bump and the fear in her eyes at potentially not being good enough.

"I'm not ready to lose him" She was sobbing again, "I've been so blind and stupid and now I've lost him like I lose everyone" she was slipping away, seeing the faces before her of the people who had left. Ghosts from her past, joined now by him. He was floating before her and away from her. The love you still on his lips. His palm held flat as it had been against her.

"Nor am I Jac, nor am I" was Mo's response as she felt the consultant fall against her, eyes closed as she tried to block out the faces. She could see now a tiny being, the life they had created dancing before her. Her greatest fear now; losing the only part of him she had left and her mind was playing tricks on her; making her see it amongst those other faces. Mo held the sobbing red head, as her own tears fell once more. They needed more time. Jac had been begging for time – and it had run out for her. And now Mo needed it too, only they had lost. And there was no more time.

"Ms Effanga, Ms Naylor" neither woman had heard the door open, but they felt their heads snap up at the sound of the familiar Swedish accent. His face was solemn and unreadable but both of them felt their hearts hammering at the mere sight of him. To have Hanssen here, could only mean something bad. They didn't break apart, Jac stayed huddled against Mo's chest, she needed the other woman's strength to hear this. "I have something I need to discuss with you, about nurse Maconie"


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to anyone who has read this / reviewed this. This is the last part and hopefully it is ok. I seriously debated how this one would end and I think I am happy with the way it has turned out - and although I did write the ending (literally the last paragraph or so) very early on; I wasn't actually sure this version would be used. **

Mo felt the tension increase in her body, as her mind whirled. She should have been waiting for this, this was her time and her thing only it wasn't right. They shouldn't ask her to do it. She knew Jonny's wishes, just as he knew hers but that was all they were, the what if scenarios; they weren't supposed to come to pass.

"You'll have to get Stevenson in" she whispered, trying to fix her gaze firmly on Hanssen. She thought she trusted Stevenson to look after her friend, to do his best for him though he wouldn't have been able to give him the care that she would. She had done it for Tara, she had looked after Tara in those last moments. She had treated her tenderly, and with respect but she couldn't do it for Jonny. She wouldn't be able to hold her nerve and her calm; her emotions would blind her even more than they had with the young doctor – for this was her Jonny.

Against Mo, Jac stiffened. Her mind had cleared enough for her to understand the nature of Mo's comment. It meant that her beautiful Jonny would be lying on a cold operating table while a team of people worked around him to harvest his organs for those that needed them. That he would be saving lives though his own was lost. It meant that he was gone but not completely. It meant that parts of him would live on in somebody else's body. There was a finality in it; that his body no longer needed such vital parts.

Hanssen cleared his throat and stepped further in to the room. His mere presence seemed to suck all of the air from the room and somehow made the walls close in around the three of them. It was painful, seeing him here. The way he wasn't talking and how his expression was focused and unreadable. He was studying the two women, the two professionals he knew were not present in this room. These were people, humans not clinicians. Ms Effanga, he knew managed to juggle the two skilfully; to remain human when with patients. But the other, Ms Naylor, was skilled in a different way. She was able to push aside her human side from the moment she stepped within the confines of the hospital or within the presence of her colleagues. But now she was sitting here, in a relatives room and it had slipped free and he wasn't entirely sure how to talk to that. He had been prepared to speak to the strong and clinical Ms Naylor and the more emotive Ms Effanga. He was not, however, prepared to talk with Jac and Mo.

"As you both no doubt know, Nurse Maconie was seriously injured earlier today" He spoke clearly and with the focus that he had learned over the years. Perhaps he should have sent somebody else, somebody who would relate to them on an emotional level. But it had seemed like something he should do; his place. The two women nodded, not quite trusting themselves to be able to speak. In Mo's head she was seeing Stevenson; watching as he prepared as she would though he would do things differently. Not wrong, but different. "and as you know, while in the ED his condition deteriorated considerably"

"Please" it was a soft plea though he was not sure from which woman's mouth it came. It was a plea for him to simply say the words that they were expecting to hear; to put them out of the misery they were feeling. Though confirmation would bring only more grief. He wasn't sure how to rush the words, he had thought this through; the way he would tell them and deviation didn't sit well with him in these situations. He blinked before he continued.

"The team worked on Jonny to stabilise his condition – enough for us to get him up to the operating theatre where we worked on him for over an hour" He spoke carefully, his mind running over the theatre notes that he had read before coming down here. How he had pictured the procedure in his mind and analysed it trying to predict the way things could be differed and if things could have been altered. To Jac and Mo it seemed bizarre that they had been sat in this room for this long, waiting for news; for confirmation. But there was now the slight beading of hope, that they had fought for him, that they had operated. That perhaps, just perhaps, something good could have happened. But if it was good then why would it be Hanssen here.

"Just tell us" It was definitely Jac speaking this time and Hanssen turned his gaze specifically to her face. There was something so different about her, the woman sitting before him. He was studying her more closely, trying to work it out. He was sure he had seen this before; this change. He had known that there was something in the relationship between the consultant and the nurse but this was more than that. He had never expected to see her like this even when it was purported that she loved the nurse. He hadn't been so convinced; though supposedly it was common knowledge to all but the pair of them. He watched her carefully for a moment. She was pregnant. It was clear in his mind now. A tiny version of Jac Naylor was going to grace the world; a thought which was altogether quite frightening and yet a baby was still a blessing. He managed to smile a little.

"He is currently in ITU. He is ventilated and he is still in a very serious condition but" he paused, he did not want to give false hope but there was hope. He had seen that and in his opinion the nurse had something worth fighting for. He was certain that he shouldn't have been in the ITU, that the outcome should have been very different but now he saw it; what the nurse had been fighting for – the flame haired consultant and his child.

"He's not gone?" Mo whispered, her heart hammering in her chest though she could not yet allow herself to believe that he was not dead. That he was waiting for her, that she could see him again and squeeze his hand. That she could hear his accent again and laugh at the faces he pulled. She felt Jac shaking against her.

"He is still very much with us" Hanssen confirmed with a nod of his head. The consultant was sobbing, a strange sob that he could not quite work out. He thought that perhaps it was relief, that she had been so overwhelmed by it that the emotions had taken over. He watched as the registrar's arms came around her body, comforting her and trying to shield her, knowing that she wouldn't want to be seen by him in that way. He turned to look at Mo, she was trying to be strong. He could tell that. A role reversal. She was close to losing it herself and yet somehow she held strong, though tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Thank you" Mo managed to choke out the words though she was not sure if they were meant for Hanssen. She wasn't sure if her thanks were to him delivering the words or to some higher force for saving the life of her friend. For the fact he was waiting for her, for them.

"I presume you will be wanting to see him" it was the end of the conversation as far as he was concerned. He had done the deed and now they would go to be with the nurse and to sit in wait with him while he continued his fight. He bid them a soft farewell before he slipped away as quietly as he came.

"We should go up" Mo whispered, holding the consultant. She needed to see him, to know it was real and not some dream. A cruel trick of her mind. The consultant drew in a deep, shuddering breath as she slowly pulled her body away from her colleague, breaking free of her arms.

"I know" she answered, so quietly. She was scared. Scared that he would still leave her, that this was temporary. She would get time with him, moments of love for her and their child before he would be once again snatched away. It was after all what she deserved. But it was not what he deserved. He deserved his life but she could be the cause of its loss.

"He's going to need us" Mo told her, trying to gain control of herself. She didn't want him to see her in a mess even though she knew he was unlikely to remember this, that he would be sedated and out of it.

"What if I can't do it, if I'm not good enough" she had so much to prove to him, that her love was real and that she wanted him; that she needed him. She owed him and that scared her. Mo shook her head gently and took hold of Jac's hand in hers.

"One day at a time, Jac, one step – baby steps ok?" it was a command though she made it seem like a question, like that consultant had a choice. In reality she had anything but. She was stuck with them now. Stuck as part of the Jonny and Mo family. They were now a three – or a four – some depending on how you viewed it.

"baby steps" Jac repeated, a hint of a smile on her lips. Their baby was going to have a daddy. She wasn't going to be alone and unloved. She would have them both and they would grow together in their new roles, within a new relationship as they became a family. They stood together, and they moved almost in synched without words towards the intensive care unit – to the man they both loved. They made their way to his bedside, to sit with him over night as he lay sedated. They didn't want to leave his side, though Mo forced Jac more than once to leave in order to seek hydration and nutrition fearing that the consultant would end up on a hospital bed herself if she didn't. In some ways, Mo was wondering who would need more care – her friend who lay so still but alive or the consultant, also her friend she supposed, who seemed so incapable of recognising her own needs and responding to them. Though she also seemed blind to what others wanted and needed when it came to her; blinded by a past that Mo didn't understand though it saddened her regardless. But they waited together, waited for him to be woken from his artificial sleep. The sleep designed to aid his healing. The waited watching the monitor for signs of change. They waited, quiet. Lost in thought of what had almost been.

_The Next Day_

He was extubated. The breathing tube pulled free from his throat and he had coughed and breathed for himself and they had felt relieved. That he was able to do that for himself. He was breathing and alive. Jac had settled at his side, clutching his hand in hers while the other rested against her abdomen. In the quiet of this hospital room she thought that perhaps she had found it with him. The feeling of being home; of being with a family, of having an extended family in the registrar who had briefly left them in search of food and with strict instructions from Jac on what she had to return with; the baby desiring foods that she normally wouldn't have touched. She sat with him and watched as he turned his head towards her and looked at her through bleary eyes. She smiled a little.

"Hey you" she whispered, bringing her hand to his face and gently running a finger along his cheek careful to avoid the injuries that appeared so painful. He gave her a small smile and she felt tears filling her eyes. He was here, and he seemed ok. She had been so convinced of his death; that it felt unreal to be sitting here with him. A dream from which she never wanted to wake. She turned her head a little, not wanting him to see her tears. To know that she wasn't strong. She had cried so many tears on Mo that it seemed unreal that there were any left to be shed. It scared her that Mo had seen her in that way, but it had been a combined grief and fear and they had needed each other. She had needed someone and accepted the comfort and in return she hoped that maybe she had done some good. Hanssen seeing her was another story but she thought, with a small smile, that Mo had tried to shield her, to protect her from view.

"No need to hide" he rasped, his throat dry and cracked. She turned her face back to him. She knew he was right, she didn't need to hide the truth from him anymore but it was a hard habit to break; to let people see her. Even if it was him.

"I'm sorry" she said it so quietly, with a voice shaking and tears slipping down her cheeks. She was sure it was almost comical to see her like this; that she would have teased and belittled if she had seen someone acting this way. He was smiling properly now and it was a sight that made her heart race in her chest.

"I found it" he whispered, his eyes bleary and his voice low and hoarse but it was still the love voice she loved so much. She raised a quizzical eyebrow, wondering if perhaps this was nothing more than a drug induced haze for him.

"You found what?" she asked, curious by what he was going to say. Though she doubted it would be anything profound in his current state, still with the amount of drugs in his system, it could at the very least be amusing and she felt that perhaps she could do with a laugh after the events of the day before. That perhaps of all people he would be the one to bring laughter to her lips after being the one to bring forth her tears.

"I told you I would" he spoke so dreamily, his head rested back against his pillows and he wrapped his hand around hers. This was what he had wanted for so long, though he wished it hadn't come about in this manner. To hold her, and to know that she wouldn't be running. That this time they would last, because he couldn't bear the thought of losing her again. He knew he would have to fight against her mind; the demons that resided there, that he would have to be strong when she panicked and tried to push him away again. But he was determined. He wasn't going to let her go. They would be together, and they would have their baby and they would be a family. They would build their home and their lives together, knowing that whatever happened and wherever they ended up that they had each other. It was what he had wanted for so long and now he held it in his hand. He had it, and he wasn't going to let it slip away again.

"Sleep now" she told him, guessing that whatever he was thinking made sense only to him and that it probably wasn't meant to be heard by her, or anyone else. He opened his eyes and he looked at her, seeing her clearly.

"I found your heart" he spoke so softly and she felt the smile stretching across her face. He had told her he would find it. and now he had. He had found her. and she had allowed herself to be found.


End file.
